Is Life Stardust?

Fiction

When I was a little girl, my earliest experience of life was stardust. I saw stardust everywhere. There weren’t any edges to anything, it was as if globs of light merged into other globs of light and through it all the only voice that could connect me to life on earth was my mother’s voice. If she hadn’t talked to me so much I doubt I’d have decided to stay. Incarnating in my body had not been easy. I felt unready somehow. All too soon my peaceful, beautiful sleep was interrupted by the dreadful pressure and I realized I was tumbling down a hole and the next realization was of lights, and voices. I saw her eyes first and they were full of love.

It was hard for me to feel so vulnerable. I only remember that I felt so dependent and helpless on the child who was now my mother.

I felt hungry and angry because there was no milk for me. First she calls me and now no milk for me!

I felt such a terrible rage. I feel as if I have been alive way too long….without a proper rest for centuries.

My mother adored me. Yet this was not a happy home. There was a lot of yelling and shouting here. The loud noises would often wake me. And I’d feel the awful anger and fear about something or the other. My body would burn with fever. So much anger here. What have I done, incarnating here wasn’t a good idea. I am often miserable because there are two other kids who bother me. My mother seems to think that stuffing me with milk is the only way to feed me. I feel tired all the time, the food isn’t what I like to eat. I prefer vegetables, but I hardly get any. I have so little energy.

My angels play with me a lot and I spend hours talking to them. My mother asks me who I talk to and I tell her I speak to someone called Ajamujakhahara. I don’t feel safe to tell a lot of people about my friends. I have lots of them. I love playing alone. My siblings are often jealous of me, because my parents play with me and don’t bother me as much as they bother them to do things. They are a lot older than me, but they are usually angry with me because I don’t have to do homework or I am given hugs when they aren’t.

Time passes. My body keeps growing. I am very curious about where we came from and who we are and where we are going and why am I in this body? Why not a different one? The question of who am I? troubled me a lot and I can spend hours wondering who I am. When I am older around 8 or 10, I followed my mother through the house and ask her all these questions. She doesn’t have any answers other than to tell me that the questions mean I am going through a phase and it will pass.

But it never passed. My curiosity about why I am here is deep. Deep enough to bother me enough to stop everything in my life and meditate to find the answers. My questions are constant and highly disturbing. And the only answers that satisfy me come through meditation. My interest in metaphysics increases around this age, because these kind of books seem to be asking what I truly care about.

In the meanwhile, my angels keep me company. At home my siblings don’t like me for being this way. I am the continuous butt of jokes and put downs because of my questions. My mother has to often step in to stop them from bugging me. My sister and brother often laugh if I say what the angels tell me about life and why we are here. One day the angels said to me after I had asked them 15 times when did life begin and how did god come about that some things have no beginnings and no endings. I was quite shocked and struck by this and ran to tell my mother. My mother shared it with my siblings and it became a joke to tease me.

As I grew, I had more moments of pure ecstasy, where time stopped and I could see the magical beauty of creation. Those moments would create a lot of fuss at home. If my sister ever found me in communion with people she could not see she would get frightened and go tell my mother and soon I’d hear all about the importance of being normal. Later if my sister saw me she would just laugh. I got used to staying silent about what I saw. I got used to hiding who I was. I got used to being normal.

Normal was a place where you didn’t see anything that other people didn’t want you to see. Normal was a place where the stronger, louder and more powerful person dictated what mattered.

My brother was kinder to me in those years, but he too had a bullying nature. I dreaded the moments when all three would get together and make me the butt of their jokes. My only crime was that I saw what they did not and felt what they did not.

I was so used to being ridiculed and humiliated, it was such a familiar pattern to feel like that I was ugly and stupid, that I married the first guy who treated me badly. It felt normal. This was how my siblings treated me and this is how he treated me and this was an extension of my normal life, where I gave a lot of love and caring to the other people around me and in return received humiliation.

This was normal. When he extended the emotional violation to anal sex in vulnerable moments when my back was turned, that too was normal. After all, I had been primed my whole life to be bullied.

Later when somehow the angels made me leave that marriage and my brothr helped, it was normal to be mistreated by him too. It was normal to work for his two companies for years and be humiliated often. It was normal that despite working for his companies, I had no name on anything. When one of the companies was sold he got lots of money, but I ended up losing my house and I and my son had nowhere to go.

At that time I could have gone back to my mother, to ‘my family’ but I did not. My mother begged and pleaded but I could not go. My son visits, but I try to avoid it…for too long I have been told to keep quiet, don’t say this, be submissive, don’t say anything because it causes trouble for my mother. It didn’t make sense to me to be a victim anymore. I decided that it is time I spoke about what I actually see, hear and think.

So here it is. This is what I hear, see and know when I go into meditation.

Who am I?

I am an energy that is acting and behaving as this person for a short while. I am an actor playing my own role.

Who is god?

I don’t know

What is god?

God is love

Is god here?

Yes

Where will I go when I die?

Nowhere. I will become potential and unite again with the ocean.

Is there reincarnation?

Will I be born again?

Yes. I am in school

What is the purpose and objective of the school?

The objective of the school is to remember who you are. The purpose is to find love. God is love, so the purpose is to find god.

Is the love of god spiritual love?

No, love is love. Love of god can be as passionate and romantic as love of human beings.

What is the difference between romantic love and spiritual love?

In one there is lack, in the other, there is greater fulfillment for some.

It depends on each individual what fulfills them.

Does one have to be in a relationship to find god?

No. God is love and love is here everywhere.

Does one have to give up relationships to find god or have a relationship with god?

The relationship with god is the relationship you have to yourself…because your enduring, eternal true self is part of god. It is the primary relationship, far deeper and greater than even the relationship you had with your mother or father.

When people harm us, hurt us instead of loving us, what does it mean?

It means ignorance. Few choose to hurt deliberately, most think that they are hurt and therefore justified in hurting another person. It helps to remember that people are doing the best they can from their level of understanding. It helps to remember that you are eternal and stronger than any hurt ever done to you. You have power, no matter how bad you feel about yourself.

Which kind of religion is ok?

The one that helps you have faith. Faith isn’t the same thing as religion. Religion should help you to have faith, but it should not be a substitute for faith. religion is about building a community based on common values rather than connecting to god. If you are practicing religion to have community, then it is not about enlightenment but about survival and belonging. These are human problems and often religion is used to resolve them. That is purpose of religion, but it will only take you this far. After this, if you are ready, you will be taken further.

What is the relationship between survival and spiritual enlightenment?.

Without survival you can’t have enlightenment. Without enlightenment you can have survival but not happiness.

What is enlightenment?

Enlightenment is what the word suggestions in many ways. To see yourself as light, to be suffused with light. To have a moment whereupon mind body and spirit become one. Enlightenment is a state of true seeing.

Why is it so hard to let go of the senses?

I could ask why is it so hard to let go of the state of nirvana or ecstacy?

It can be equally hard to awaken back to regular consciousness. Some people like to escapte the senses and others like to stay in the senses. It depends on what they are here to do.

Is yoga a way to reunite with the ocean of awareness ?

Yes, if practiced with the intention. Intention is most important.