I am at a strange place in my life, where I want to die but after completing something that has compelled me, called me, knocked on my door, literally tripping me, until I listen. So I have decided that in the next 90 days I will talk about all the things that I have had to stop myself from saying for a very long time. After that I feel that dying would be fun and a welcome relief.
I have run and hidden from all kinds of people. Some people will tell me that what I see isn’t real, other people tell me that I couldn’t possibly see it.
Some people hear about what I see they say it must be god, jesus, energy, vibration, angels. Given how afraid I was of dogma, being spiritual was almost fearful. It helps to communicate with those people who see what I do. My new found belief is that imagination and having a rich inner experience is a right.
Sometimes having this gift feels like a handicap. I could never really speak about it in front of people as a child. My ‘imaginary friends’ could not be mentioned in front of others. I did not have permission to see what others did not see and even now a part of my mind is wondering is it safe?
There are times in my life that when I walk into a room full of people it feels congested and tight, because each person is carrying so much. People have so much going on about which they seem blissfully unaware. to not see, or feel, takes up a lot of effort and then I must spend days in silence, forgetting what I saw. Every contact with another person is almost painful for me. Perhaps what is most difficult is humoring them when it is so clear that they are hiding something. I honestly feel as if I am from another planet and everyone around me is blind. When I first realized that they don’t pick up on stuff going on in the room, it was a huge relief in some ways, it became easier to make eye contact. It became easier to see what I am allowed to see.
It was such a slow realization…..that perhaps this is a gift, not an awful horrible nuisance….that I don’t have to constantly isolate myself from others and that others could like me. I still find it difficult. There is that moment of panic when I meet people.
And even as I write this a part of me is in fear because it means I must be weird, not normal. Being normal was so important to my mother, she’d often say it, ‘be normal’, you should be ‘normal’. So and so is ‘normal’. I tried so hard to be normal.
I am not sure why I chose this life. Perhaps I wanted to forget who I am. I’d often try to forget who I am. I felt that being who I am is too dangerous, too scary and it is far far better to forget my soul purpose.
I tried so hard. I got regular degrees, regular jobs, tried getting married and carving out a normal life doing the things that everyone aspires to do.
And yet, wherever I went, there I was. I’d just get sick after a while and have to stay home to recover. People would take care of me. My family or friends would help…until the day I woke up and realized that I see something that others don’t, that I hear a music that others don’t.
After that, the helpful people who had so far taken care of me disappeared. New people appeared. People are strange, they want hope and help and healing, but if somebody does that for them, they don’t want to pay for it. They are ok to buy sofas, and chairs and shop for things that soon become junk, but they think before paying for healing. I’ve seen people pay for coffee but think twice about paying someone who shares energy with them.
I think most people are taught that they aren’t worth it and they don’t deserve to take care of themselves, because they aren’t pretty enough or rich enough. Most people think they have to have things and all their problems would go away if somehow they got more money. But the problems aren’t actually created on Earth, they are created in a different dimension, so the problems don’t actually go away even if they get tons of money, or whatever. You think that you have a new problem and it is only when you get old, you realise that the new problem is actually a lot like the old problem and then you realize that the problem was the same all along and you wasted so much time solving it but it kept coming up again and again.
Human beings are meant to thrive on challenges. They are meant to have problems to solve. This gives meaning and excitement to one’s life. It’s like those video game adventures, it just keeps going on and on until you die.
Sometimes though, quite rarely people wake up spontaneously or they decide that there is something a little suspicious about the de-javu, and perhaps it is time to wake up.
To wake up, one has to meditate, do hypnosis, yoga or read or something that stops the chattering monkey so that you i.e., your ego starts talking to the real boss –the higher self.
When you start meditating, you can be sure of only one thing, that you will find out a lot about yourself. Why you do what you do, for one thing may be related to all sorts of events and incidents that happened a gazillion years ago, but your mind still hangs on to them for dear life.
Dear life is right. Your mind, my mind, our minds, need something to do, and so it is like a video game, it creates the story and replays it over and over and over again, and if you don’t stay vigilant, you can get sucked right back into it. The price of freedom from the story is to stay present and vigilant.
It is hard for human minds to grasp just how dynamic and ever changing life really is, and that is why perhaps monks spend decades meditating, to unify the story creating inner mind with what is truly in front of it and train it to stay alert.
All forms of meditation are about working with the inner mind….but each form of meditation is delivered with a theoretical framework of its creators. For example Christian prayer is a form of meditation rooted in biblical metaphor, which should be seen as a metaphor, rather than literal fact, because literal metaphor is limiting the scope of the message. Similarly Buddhist meditation is rooted in Buddhist religion.
Yet, I believe that all these ways were biased by the beliefs, culture and world view of their originators and therefore they subtly plant certain ideas about the way the world is.
We all meditate or go into hypnosis—when we drive a car for example. To meditate is to simply still the mind into a non-ego state. When we do that we can create a sense of ecstatic joy. Yoga can give meditation, guided visualizations and all sorts of prayer, chanting, moving, dance paint, art and sex all have the capability to stop the ego’s chatter for a moment and simply be in awe. There prescribed higher and lower forms of Samadhi/Nirvana/enlightenment/oneness/bliss. But they all have a type of bias, a type of partiality—depending on the context of the experience. Few people may be aware that the above experiences are similar to what we do during meditation or hypnosis. meditation is like the dissolving of a spoon of sugar into a large glass of water—the merging of an individual consciousness with a bigger awareness.
This merging is by necessity biased by the context…. it matters if the glass of water is held in a certain kind of container.
Is there any going away from this? Is there any way to be totally impartial?
Total impartiality comes with a complete transcendence and overcoming of the ego. This is a state where time, past present and future stand unmoving. It is a place where a deep practice of meditation can take one, where all things become one.
It is like the glass of water merging into an ocean.
This state is rare and once here, it is hard to get here and harder still to go back from here into the small glass of water and then back into the teaspoon of sugar. (individual mind, emotions, body) .
Behind The Veil 