The positive psychology movement has created a monster. This is the false positive persona. I am better than you because I am not broken. The facts are that we are or have been broken, all struggling and nobody has got it all figured out. The more vehemently we practice our ohms, our yogas, our namaz, our positive psychology, the more clear it becomes just how broken we really are but choosing crutches to get by. And I say here, drop all the robes, the masks, the pretenses and love what is broken.
Adler, the most known thinker around positive psychology and Patanjali, the great yoga guru had more in common in our new age world than perhaps either realized. Adler felt that the need to be superior to another was actually a sign of mental immaturity. Somehow a person who wants to prove their superior strength, ability or looks were stuck in child state–and desperately needed the unconditional love that was denied in childhood. Desperate to please and meet the approval of authority figures, the adult child looks for approval–performance is one way to subconsciously gain the love of parents and family.
Patanjali didnt use a conceptual story in words. Instead he spoke in how the body feels using the language of poses. Yoga poses tell the story of the psyche and ask the body to release the emotional pain of rejection (hunched shoulders), fear of survival (tight hips) and all the other ways that the body holds stress.
The greatest benefit of humanism is that we can accept our shared suffering and learn to cooperate to then have a relatively stable and peaceful society. Or, must we in our immaturity blame our neighbour for our suffering?. It is true that we lose out on some opportunities because of other people, however we also gain opportunities because of them.
In the same way, our sorrow, our broken parts have value. Our broken parts tell us our limits. Whether our pain comes from health issues, family, people, money, childhood, we have a gift that we can use to decorate our life with. Our limits not only tell us about ourselves but also about other people. How people react to our broken self tells us about how broken they are. We live in a self oriented world and we are often alone. Maturity demands acceptance of the human condition and becoming okay with it.
Positive psychology tells us that this is not so bad and that our attitude can bridge the separation from other people. Positive psychology tells us we have choices-but, we can only execute them to the extent of our mental maturity. If in childhood we were over controlled, we were not allowed to think for ourselves, if every choice was done for us, if our mother and father made us into their projects, we will struggle to make independent choices. Positive psychology teaches us the value of letting your children be, to not turn them into perfect little anything and to let them make mistakes. Mistakes are not about failure, mistakes are about learning what works and what does not work.
A long time ago, I stopped expecting to live a perfect, mistake free life. I realized that I like making mistakes. I like living my own life. I like having dirty dishes that I wash after I read an interesting book and think through a fascinating idea. I like having hair that I never have to dye. It frees me from trying to get approval. I like not having to have perfect skin. I live my life as if it belongs to me, but I respect people who take interest in my journey and support me in pursuing my dreams. I love my hairdresser who totally gets me and gives me the most amazing haircuts that are NOT about presenting me as a pretty girl, but as myself.
I don’t know if I will ever win the lottery or become a millionaire. I don’t know which disease will kill me. All I know is that it won’t be the disease of living a lie.
Positive psychology is not afraid to make mistakes, because mistakes are the necessary price of action. Positive psychology creates leaders and losers and those roles are interchangeable. But, perfectionism creates people who can only do what they are told to do and they are so busy getting it right, that they miss out on their life.
The price of finding myself was steep. It cost me a lot. I am still reeling from all the stuff I had to get rid off, to dig out the person that was trapped under the ruins of a socially acceptable life that did not fit me.
So, what’s positive about that? There are two ways to live life. One is to go around and find the life that fits you and get it. I did not find it. In the world I came from it was unthinkable to support a woman to find the right life for herself. I was asking for too much. I was expected to cut out all the pieces that didn’t fit in the world, instead. It meant living unconsciously. I tried it but could not pull it off. My mind would think and I would explore. I was curious. Bullying only made me want to run away. The other way to find the life that works is to make it yourself. That is the most authentic path–and Carl Jung would agree that the true path is the one that makes you, more you, instead of diminishing you and making you invisible. In this kind of path, you need to make decisions. You can’t hide behind other people. You have to know what you want. You will need to figure it out yourself. That sounds scarier than it really is.
There is a terrible myth that the safe path is indeed safe. It isn’t. Say you settle but if you force yourself to fit in, there is always frustration and if you want any kind of happiness, you need to be yourself, so sooner or later, you will want to breathe. I never wanted to be a victim. I didn’t want to be that person who complains all the time about her life. I like creative pursuits, and if I am busy crying all the time, then how can I do anything, unless I get other people to do my shit? Writers are highly advanced and interesting complainers.
In actual fact, all paths have challenges. Safety can be sad and independence can be lonely. So why is it that I am here, but you, my friend are there?
Robert Frost may have expressed the dilemma well. But the truth is that the road is never a straight line and it never connects like dots do in coloring books. We never know where our choices will lead us. As time passes, I find that the idea of the linear path is a myth. Because isn’t life more about living in the moment, rather than a series of choices? How can we know what will await us at 30, 40, 50, 60?
Hafiz, knew something beyond the intellect when he said, ‘This place where you are right now, God circled on a map for you, our beloved bowed here before you arrived.’
We think we are in control and that we have something to decide. We ruminate and cry, but our destiny is already written in our cellular memory. Our story was begun aeons ago. We are blessed if we are able to witness it without prejudice of our ego who judges us far too often. Can we change our story? Yes, I believe we can, but we have to first embrace our truth, only then can we choose differently.
The truth is that our mental unconscious beliefs and programs are choosing our life. The path is the whorl, and our job is to witness the labyrinth of choices we make because of the beliefs we hold deep in our being.
And if you really want to make something out of your life, you have to be willing to be broken open.
Behind The Veil 