About

This is a blog about the psychological journey to find an enduring sense of Self. It is a blog about the cost of having a self, rather than a self image. There is an unspoken cost of becoming real instead of a professional robot dreaming of love, nature and beauty. It is about shadows, twilight, and mad musings while working like a robot behind the mask of normalcy.

There was no post modern identity that helped integrate the various contradictions that abide in me. Most of the parts of my self contradict one another. I am a socialist who believed in hard work, a mother who didn’t enjoy mothering, an untrained artist, a social worker without a degree, a banker who didn’t believe in the banking model, an environmentalist who drove a car and lived in a heated house, a yogi who couldn’t do headstands, an agnostic who believed in angels, a writer who didn’t have a creative writing diploma, an MBA who didn’t like corporations….it went on an on, my list of probable identities, statistically insignificant for a consumerist economy, but my lived experience. I could not accept many things as they were.

Postmodernism is full of contradictions. It promises individuality, then proceeds to destroy anything unique.  It promises freedom but immediately retracts that promise if it judges us as not good enough. It tells us we have authority, then proceeds to value patriarchy to an extent that disenfranchises those who don’t comply with it. It issues passports but then withdraws all rights of citizenship, such as freedom to be heard. It gives so much information, but not enough time to understand. Citizenship is uncertain at best and a distant promise.

Find me on medium:
behindtheveildotca.medium.com