As an emotional health therapist, I notice a growing trend among young to middle aged men and women. This is the extra marital affair phenomena on the Internet or Internet Infidelity! Long distance is often a waste of time even if you are serious about finding a partner, because without having met a person, it is all happening in the head. But, for married people, it is an abyss of angst and misery.

Unsatisfied married people often start up relationships on the Internet because it is easy—and the instant gratification can be compelling. These relationships can be harmless friendships that really don’t mean anything other than common hobbies, but then there are also predatory connections that can cause harm both physically and emotionally.

There are many root causes of Internet infidelity, either emotional or sexual. Some of them that I’ve seen in my practice:

1. Emotional or sexual dissatisfaction: For women, the cause is usually emotional dissatisfaction. They could never fall in love with the man they married. For men the cause is usually sexual frustration, because their wives weren’t responding to them sexually.
2. Boredom: Many people inhabit lives where their true needs cannot be expressed or fulfilled. For example, a person’s need for true intimacy. An Interne­t friend creates a sense of false intimacy and hope.
3. Attention: Similar and perhaps related with boredom, the attention from another person without the baggage of the marriage can be very alluring

The problem with the above is that fake love can never substitute for the real thing.

If you are in an Internet affair with a married person, you must know beyond any shadow of doubt, that you deserve and are worthy of real love and that Internet love isn’t the real thing.

Internet love affairs are draining and produce guilt, without helping to resolve the root cause of the emotional or sexual infidelity. Infidelity on your part, for example, is never about the person you are married to—it is always about you.

If you are in a Internet/facebook/whatsapp affair, chances are that this a coping mechanism for underlying depression and lack of self-worth. It actually increases the problem, without helping you create real and lasting happiness.

But, the issue is, what should one do? Many people are stuck in unhappy marriages or unresolved emotional issues make them easy prey for Internet relationships.

The root cause is loneliness and emotional disconnection which can’t really be resolved with long distance relationships. Religion or spirituality can help–and I see a tremendous surge in emotional support from religion or spiritual beliefs to cope with the times. However, what really really helps in my opinion is professional guidance and support. A clinical hypnotherapist or great counselling can help you get to the root of the emotional pain that is causing infidelity and heal it. Believe me, it has nothing to do with people being ‘bad’ or their awful ‘sex drive’. It has everything to do with past trauma.

If you can’t address the first issue at a mental emotional level—which is more ideal, than the most important resolution can come through behaviour that takes you in the direction of wholeness and prevents emotional suffering.

The practical issue is about how to communicate in the first place in this crazy Internet world.

I’ve observed that there are several categories of relationships on the Internet over facebook and all sorts of apps and social media platforms.

1. Social relationships. Social connections on the Internet are very common because of shared interests. Where else but on the Internet can you find people interested in the same things?. As Pakistani Canadian, I enjoy poetry and politics and humour, and I like to keep my friendships from school and business school live. The Internet is perfect for developing a heart based Internet family of friendships.
2. Sexual attraction. It can and does happen even on the Internet. Because like all experiences, this too is being created inside our own mind. The phenomena of the Selfie is a sign of the times we are in! It is normal. The question is how to deal with it so that you and the other person aren’t hurt? The key to this is about setting strong boundaries and communicating within that framework. Some examples of boundaries that work include:

A. Saying no to sexual texts that are abusive and invade privacy.  It isn’t love or even affection. It is just lust, and that too not about you, but about the other person. You must take a stand against these invasions of privacy.

B. Keeping Standards High. Say no to sexual jokes, posts and innuendoes towards women. This is a lewd demonstration of masculinity and it serves to exert domination over a woman. Quite likely the man simply has a need for attention, so if down the road you feel used, it is probably because you are being used for /his/ needs.

C. Being respectful and communicative. If you are a man and you want to connect with a woman, asking permission to talk to her more is a way to show respect towards her. If you like a girl, don’t just send her text messages, cards and gifts, instead tell her how you feel and that you would like to get to know her better. Women like it when men are clear and communicate what they feel.

D. Get clear on your values. Having fun is about what is right for YOU! Some people may actually be fine with just sexting and phone sex–almost like a private entertainment channel—but, it is important to know if that’s for you or if you are the one woman/one man type. I believe each person has to learn the importance of their inner value system, especially in the Internet age.

3. Professional networks. Mostly these groups and networks are completely safe, but occasionally people can and do misuse them. The thing to do is to say no. Sometimes in these networks one’s guards are down–you may remember them from years before or have a soft corner for old friends. It is important to stay in the present, and notice that this person whom you thought was such a safe person, may be pushing your boundaries. It is sad, but people change.

If you have a specific question or concern about your experience, please post it below and I will do my best to blog about it.

Sincerely,

Saima Shah

MBA-MIS, RYT, ChT