Sex & Depression

After my marriage ended, I was left with a persistent question. The question was ‘abuse’. what is it? when does it happen? why did it happen? and what the heck do I do to stop feeling raped?

Feeling raped, violated and not myself. Where does it come from? Is this something that my husband gave me? or was it just how it was, waiting for the right trigger to set it in motion?

Abuse is not just between individuals, but it has a strong contextual side. In my case it was contextual to a morality that does not empower women’s sexuality. Therefore what women feel during sex, before sex or after sex is not as important or relevant as what men feel. Men’s needs are more important than women’s needs.

Pakistan is a religious country. Sex is a sin and can only be allowed within a marriage. Men are sexist and macho. Life actually revolves around sex. Women are kept in euphemistic cages for their protection and men are like hunters on a hunt. Women look for the richest bidder, men look for the sexiest bride. This is the crux of life. There is no sex education.

It would shock people to know that no classes  are offered in school, medical hospitals, doctors offices about the birds and the bees.  Even in Canada, many religious parents actually take children out of sex education classes. Because of fear that knowing about sex will make them have it. It is ridiculous, because sex is a biological need, not a social sin.

In Pakistan, there is no information given to people about how to have sex. The only education people have is via porn. Porn is extremely popular in Pakistan. Since Porn is written with men in mind, there is absolutely no information about female sexuality.

So, sexual abuse is normal. Talking about sex is abnormal. Women will NOT ever ever risk talking about sex.

When my husband abused me, I ran into the washroom and cried. I couldn’t talk to him about my body. With great difficulty I was able to say it hurts. I was 22 years old, with the mind and heart of a 10 year old. I was married to a man who was either completely unaware or completely inconsiderate of my pain or what I actually think, liked to see me in pain.

It wasn’t that this person had no sex education. It was that this person thought that’s ok. Sadists delight in giving pain to others. However, there was nothing I  could do to solve the problem. In the world I lived, discussing sex was a taboo. I didn’t frankly even know what happens other than something weird happens. That’s a common motif. This is how it is for a lot of women in that society.

The society creates broken women, who need others to protect them.

Women need husbands and protectors. Women are often schooled from an early age that sex is bad, and many many marriages are very unhappy with the sex side of things.

One of the core issues that happens when a woman feels violated is the breaking of the self. The self is the sense of ego or identity. Being violated breaks that concept. Instead of a cohesive singular self, the self is now terrified of being itself. It knows it failed to protect itself. The ego loses confidence. Therefore all sexually abused women have a common characteristic. Their confidence and self-esteem is extremely vulnerable. They lose confidence in themselves. They stop liking themselves. They often struggle with depression. Needless to mention perhaps, they really resist sex with their husbands.

So, then what is the solution? Couples with this issue can be greatly helped when they are taught that sex is a mental and psychological thing, not a physical act. A woman with body dysphoria, because of the religious conditioning from childhood will feel violated during sex subconsciously.

When pleasure is made into sin, a lot of suffering happens at a deep psychological level.